From November 21, 2007:
Just as soon as think that things are actually going to get better. And just as soon as I start realizing that I can wade through everything, and finally accept the fact that my dad has remarried and that I need to accept this new part of the family. Things come crashing down. It never fails. I went to church with my dad tonight, something that I ahve been avoiding becuase everytime I go there something bad happens. And lo and behold it did. They just had to sing 3 songs in a row that were played at mom's funeral. not just one or two, but three in a row. How were they supposed to know, they weren't there. Why do I feel that everyone should know not to do things like that? I shouldn't expect everyone to know that I still can't go through those songs with out going back to that horrible august last year. I guess it is just one of those awful things I have to learn to swim through. I never want to get over the fact of loosing my mother, I just want to be able to cope with it. To be able to live with the fact. This is yet another reason that I hate the Holiday Season.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Gonna get there someday
From October 22, 2007:
I absolutely hate rainy, cold days. It just can't get any worse. And I don't think this song could get any more personal right now. I know it has been a year, and yeah so many things have changed. I am trying to get back on track, but things keep bringing me back down. I think I am finally realizing what it is that I really want to do, as far a career in my life, and I am realizing that the crap I am putting up with now is not getting me any closer to that.Where I am at now is not where I want to be. I wish so bad that I had the chance to say everything that I needed to, not only to her, but several people right now. And yeah there is this someone, but when I will get her, who knows? As time goes on, everyone seems to go on with their lives, making progress and living on, but I keep getting drug backwards. I need to stop hiding it. Days like this don't help. But I know, I'm gonna get there someday.
Gonna Get There Someday
Dierks Bentley
Well its been a year and there so much to tell
been doing alright in spite of myself
just wish i could stop feeling bad when i pray
But I know I'm gonna get there someday
Got that job I was dreaming about
sometimes its tough traveling around
but who i wanna be still seems so far away
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
glad i told you all i meant to
while i had the chance
cause every moment i had with you
made me who i am
by the way, i met someone new
and wouldn't you know, she's a whole lot like you
still i ain't ready to settle down in one place
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
well i guess i'll be movin on
i'll just leave these daisies by your stone
and momma, i still miss you every day
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
when that'll be, guess only God can say
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
And this song needs to be my answer:
One foot in front of the other
George Strait
Well, love can be an uphill climb
I'm gonna meet a lot of resistance
It takes every ounce of strength we've got
If we're gonna go the distance
We can get discouraged and lose our courage
Worrying 'bout the daily grind
But life's a journey, no need to hurry
It's one day at a time
Chorus:
One foot in front of the other
Take one step then take another
Keep on walkin', we're headed in the right direction
Puttin' one foot in front of the other
Little by little gets a whole lot further
Hittin' our stride, one foot in front of the other
What's down the road we can't say
And the road behind don't matter
But every mile along the way
Is just another mile together
Unconcerned about the twists and turns
We're takin' it nice and slow
Safe and sound, covering ground
Steady as she goes
Chorus
Yesterday is dead and gone
And tomorrow takes care of itself
We'll just keep on keepin' on
'Cause we ain't stumbled yet
One foot in front of the other
Take one step and then take another
Just a-walkin' and a-talkin' and a-movin' in the same direction
Just puttin' one foot in front of the other
Little by little gets a whole lot further
Hittin' our stride, one foot in front of the other
Well, just a-hittin' our stride
One foot in front of the other
I absolutely hate rainy, cold days. It just can't get any worse. And I don't think this song could get any more personal right now. I know it has been a year, and yeah so many things have changed. I am trying to get back on track, but things keep bringing me back down. I think I am finally realizing what it is that I really want to do, as far a career in my life, and I am realizing that the crap I am putting up with now is not getting me any closer to that.Where I am at now is not where I want to be. I wish so bad that I had the chance to say everything that I needed to, not only to her, but several people right now. And yeah there is this someone, but when I will get her, who knows? As time goes on, everyone seems to go on with their lives, making progress and living on, but I keep getting drug backwards. I need to stop hiding it. Days like this don't help. But I know, I'm gonna get there someday.
Gonna Get There Someday
Dierks Bentley
Well its been a year and there so much to tell
been doing alright in spite of myself
just wish i could stop feeling bad when i pray
But I know I'm gonna get there someday
Got that job I was dreaming about
sometimes its tough traveling around
but who i wanna be still seems so far away
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
glad i told you all i meant to
while i had the chance
cause every moment i had with you
made me who i am
by the way, i met someone new
and wouldn't you know, she's a whole lot like you
still i ain't ready to settle down in one place
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
well i guess i'll be movin on
i'll just leave these daisies by your stone
and momma, i still miss you every day
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
when that'll be, guess only God can say
but i know i'm gonna get there someday
And this song needs to be my answer:
One foot in front of the other
George Strait
Well, love can be an uphill climb
I'm gonna meet a lot of resistance
It takes every ounce of strength we've got
If we're gonna go the distance
We can get discouraged and lose our courage
Worrying 'bout the daily grind
But life's a journey, no need to hurry
It's one day at a time
Chorus:
One foot in front of the other
Take one step then take another
Keep on walkin', we're headed in the right direction
Puttin' one foot in front of the other
Little by little gets a whole lot further
Hittin' our stride, one foot in front of the other
What's down the road we can't say
And the road behind don't matter
But every mile along the way
Is just another mile together
Unconcerned about the twists and turns
We're takin' it nice and slow
Safe and sound, covering ground
Steady as she goes
Chorus
Yesterday is dead and gone
And tomorrow takes care of itself
We'll just keep on keepin' on
'Cause we ain't stumbled yet
One foot in front of the other
Take one step and then take another
Just a-walkin' and a-talkin' and a-movin' in the same direction
Just puttin' one foot in front of the other
Little by little gets a whole lot further
Hittin' our stride, one foot in front of the other
Well, just a-hittin' our stride
One foot in front of the other
Missing You
From September 9, 2007:
Why can it never be easy going through life? There are always going to be things that are going to bring you down. Days that will remind you so much of people that you have lost. Rainy days are the worst. Right up there with the stressful days. It is always hard to not just flat out quit and crawl into bed. It is always the little things. Words people say. Places you go. Movies. TV Shows. Things you used to do together. Things you grew up doing and she was always there with you. You never learn that you truly must grow up and make yourself progress until you loose the one that helped you do that. It has been almost 13 months, and there are times when it seems I am only going backwards. Slipping farther into the grasp of the darkness and solitude. I may try my best to hide it from time to time, but there is always someone who can see it. But they don't always mention it. It is in these times, the smallest gestures mean the most. And I am so thankful because I know those people can see that I need it. As I have to go home the next two weekends, I know I am dreading it. My dad is getting married, and I am not going to be able to handle it. I will need that shoulder to lean on. So I hope that she will send that person to me. Until its all over, I am just hoping to get it over with, so it can all be said and done.
Why can it never be easy going through life? There are always going to be things that are going to bring you down. Days that will remind you so much of people that you have lost. Rainy days are the worst. Right up there with the stressful days. It is always hard to not just flat out quit and crawl into bed. It is always the little things. Words people say. Places you go. Movies. TV Shows. Things you used to do together. Things you grew up doing and she was always there with you. You never learn that you truly must grow up and make yourself progress until you loose the one that helped you do that. It has been almost 13 months, and there are times when it seems I am only going backwards. Slipping farther into the grasp of the darkness and solitude. I may try my best to hide it from time to time, but there is always someone who can see it. But they don't always mention it. It is in these times, the smallest gestures mean the most. And I am so thankful because I know those people can see that I need it. As I have to go home the next two weekends, I know I am dreading it. My dad is getting married, and I am not going to be able to handle it. I will need that shoulder to lean on. So I hope that she will send that person to me. Until its all over, I am just hoping to get it over with, so it can all be said and done.
Venting Session
From June 6, 2007:
Well with everything that has happened recently I can honestly say that my life over the past year has really really sucked.....
Well in July I wrecked my truck and ever since then my knee has been messed up and that cost a good $9k to fix.
Then I loose my mom and best friend in August. Who in the world would have thought that it ever would have happened that way. I just had to go to college a few days early and what really sucks is that I hadnt called her all week and then on Friday I was thinking about calling her when I got the news. Thank God you were there Trella. I think that is the absolute worst situation anyone could ever go through. Not only was she my mom, she was my BEST friend. She was always at everything and always took me to every activity and helped me out when things weren't going so great. She was my greatest support and to loose her spent me in a downward spiral. I slacked off and did a few things I regret. Not that they were that bad at all, but I should have known better. I still think that I havent recovered from that moment when I found out and that whole weekend is still clear as day in my head and I still wake up in a fret at night about it all. And it all popping up in my head in the middle of the day is the worst cause no one knows what is going on and I dont want to tell them why I am feeling down cause I dont want them playing the pity game on me. I can make it. I think that is the hardest part right now about dealing with it all. I really dont want to tell people why I am feeling down during the day when that is the reason cause I dont take help very easily.
Then I found out that my dad is dating someone this spring....NOT EVEN MONTHS LATER!!!! 2 things that really piss me off about this.... 1) Thanks for telling me dad 2) Thanks dad for letting me know...First thing I knew of it I heard you were getting serious with her AND 3) I cant even believe you didnt ask what I thought about the fact of you dating. Not that I am the one to tell you if you can date or not but I thought I was part of the Family and I thought I was your eldest son.....GUESS I was wrong about that one.
Then again I hear FROM SOMEONE ELSE that my dad is selling the house I grew up in, 10 acres that I traveled on foot over and over again whilegrowing up, and moving off. What happened to all the talk the past few years about building a house right there. Instead you just up and decide to move off some where else and move my brothers where they have to change schools again.We all know it wasnt easy for them last time.
And what does my dad have to say about all of this when I finally build up the courage to tell him how I really feel about all this??? He says HES GETTING MARRIED!!! Yeah what happened to being part of the family. I dont even feel welcome in your house anymore. A Stranger. He says that well...we all are going to have to get used to some changes. And he says that nothing is really changing. Well lets see.... He no longer goes to the church I grew up in (he switched churches and doesnt even talk to any one from there anymore), he is making my brothers change schools again, he is selling the house and the land that he had always talked of keeping for me to have when he passed on, he is moving to pleasant plains and building a new house, and getting married. ALL of this without even asking what my thoughts were about this. Not that I would change his mind for him but I lost my mother too. Ya know I hate to say it but looking at all of this i cant help but add it up and say that he is pushing my mother away. he denyies it but he even put some of her pictures away. He expects me, and even asked me point blank, to change my thoughts and opions about all of this. How dare he. I am not to the point to move on past my mother and i doubt i will be anytime soon thanks to this. Ya know I would think that he would be a lil more considerate of his oldest son. I cant change the way i feel about this....It is who makes me myself.
Through all of this it is impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. THANK GOD I have time to get away and ride my horse thorugh the cattle for 3 hours everyday. That is my only way to get away from it all...BUT I need more right now. and THANK GOD I am moving back to Fayetteville in the Fall and staying there for 3 more years...well that is if dad doesnt keep cutting more and more money away from me, like he has been.
I dont know but I think I see some help coming on the way from someone...we'll just have to see how it goes....
Well with everything that has happened recently I can honestly say that my life over the past year has really really sucked.....
Well in July I wrecked my truck and ever since then my knee has been messed up and that cost a good $9k to fix.
Then I loose my mom and best friend in August. Who in the world would have thought that it ever would have happened that way. I just had to go to college a few days early and what really sucks is that I hadnt called her all week and then on Friday I was thinking about calling her when I got the news. Thank God you were there Trella. I think that is the absolute worst situation anyone could ever go through. Not only was she my mom, she was my BEST friend. She was always at everything and always took me to every activity and helped me out when things weren't going so great. She was my greatest support and to loose her spent me in a downward spiral. I slacked off and did a few things I regret. Not that they were that bad at all, but I should have known better. I still think that I havent recovered from that moment when I found out and that whole weekend is still clear as day in my head and I still wake up in a fret at night about it all. And it all popping up in my head in the middle of the day is the worst cause no one knows what is going on and I dont want to tell them why I am feeling down cause I dont want them playing the pity game on me. I can make it. I think that is the hardest part right now about dealing with it all. I really dont want to tell people why I am feeling down during the day when that is the reason cause I dont take help very easily.
Then I found out that my dad is dating someone this spring....NOT EVEN MONTHS LATER!!!! 2 things that really piss me off about this.... 1) Thanks for telling me dad 2) Thanks dad for letting me know...First thing I knew of it I heard you were getting serious with her AND 3) I cant even believe you didnt ask what I thought about the fact of you dating. Not that I am the one to tell you if you can date or not but I thought I was part of the Family and I thought I was your eldest son.....GUESS I was wrong about that one.
Then again I hear FROM SOMEONE ELSE that my dad is selling the house I grew up in, 10 acres that I traveled on foot over and over again whilegrowing up, and moving off. What happened to all the talk the past few years about building a house right there. Instead you just up and decide to move off some where else and move my brothers where they have to change schools again.We all know it wasnt easy for them last time.
And what does my dad have to say about all of this when I finally build up the courage to tell him how I really feel about all this??? He says HES GETTING MARRIED!!! Yeah what happened to being part of the family. I dont even feel welcome in your house anymore. A Stranger. He says that well...we all are going to have to get used to some changes. And he says that nothing is really changing. Well lets see.... He no longer goes to the church I grew up in (he switched churches and doesnt even talk to any one from there anymore), he is making my brothers change schools again, he is selling the house and the land that he had always talked of keeping for me to have when he passed on, he is moving to pleasant plains and building a new house, and getting married. ALL of this without even asking what my thoughts were about this. Not that I would change his mind for him but I lost my mother too. Ya know I hate to say it but looking at all of this i cant help but add it up and say that he is pushing my mother away. he denyies it but he even put some of her pictures away. He expects me, and even asked me point blank, to change my thoughts and opions about all of this. How dare he. I am not to the point to move on past my mother and i doubt i will be anytime soon thanks to this. Ya know I would think that he would be a lil more considerate of his oldest son. I cant change the way i feel about this....It is who makes me myself.
Through all of this it is impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. THANK GOD I have time to get away and ride my horse thorugh the cattle for 3 hours everyday. That is my only way to get away from it all...BUT I need more right now. and THANK GOD I am moving back to Fayetteville in the Fall and staying there for 3 more years...well that is if dad doesnt keep cutting more and more money away from me, like he has been.
I dont know but I think I see some help coming on the way from someone...we'll just have to see how it goes....
Lucky Man
From May 13, 2007:
Well its safe to say that today has not been that great of a day. the first one without my mom. let me tell you this holiday surrounds you everywhere you turn. Then i hear this song. lucky man by montgomery gentry. i dont think there could be a more perfect song for me in this stage of my life. It is so extremely difficult to work everyday in the barn where my mom was killed and to be around everything where she used to be is unexplainable. When i think life is completely unbearable help comes from the best of friends. is it wrong for me to avoid my own family? one my best friends in the world called me up this mornin and asked if i wanted to go over to her aunts house to eat with her and her family today. i dont think it could have come at a better time. I am soo thankful for you and your whole family rachel. you couldnt ask for better friends in you neil, and your mom. i listen to montgomery gentrys song and i really do realize that i am a lucky man. i may have lost my best friend in the world, but i am left with so much that will help me make it through.the next year is still going to carry so many hard days with it, but i can always rely on my true friends. thank God for all i have and all of my friends especially rachel and lauren who help me get through so many hard times. thanks for being there for me.
"i know i am a lucky man, God's given me a pretty fair hand, got a house and a piece of land, a few dollars in a coffee can. my ole trucks still runin good, my tickers tickin like they say it should, i got supper in the oven, a good womans lovin, even my bad days aint that bad, lord knows i'm a lucky man."
"got some friends that would be here fast, i could call em anytime of day"
Well its safe to say that today has not been that great of a day. the first one without my mom. let me tell you this holiday surrounds you everywhere you turn. Then i hear this song. lucky man by montgomery gentry. i dont think there could be a more perfect song for me in this stage of my life. It is so extremely difficult to work everyday in the barn where my mom was killed and to be around everything where she used to be is unexplainable. When i think life is completely unbearable help comes from the best of friends. is it wrong for me to avoid my own family? one my best friends in the world called me up this mornin and asked if i wanted to go over to her aunts house to eat with her and her family today. i dont think it could have come at a better time. I am soo thankful for you and your whole family rachel. you couldnt ask for better friends in you neil, and your mom. i listen to montgomery gentrys song and i really do realize that i am a lucky man. i may have lost my best friend in the world, but i am left with so much that will help me make it through.the next year is still going to carry so many hard days with it, but i can always rely on my true friends. thank God for all i have and all of my friends especially rachel and lauren who help me get through so many hard times. thanks for being there for me.
"i know i am a lucky man, God's given me a pretty fair hand, got a house and a piece of land, a few dollars in a coffee can. my ole trucks still runin good, my tickers tickin like they say it should, i got supper in the oven, a good womans lovin, even my bad days aint that bad, lord knows i'm a lucky man."
"got some friends that would be here fast, i could call em anytime of day"
It's a long trip alone
From February 8, 2007:
Its a long trip alone. A short piece of time. I think about this song and I really don't know what to do. Things happen. Things change. People come and go. Life and Death. Is it really possible to live your life to the fullest? I mean seriously can we really do everything that we think that we need to do? If we were able to do that we could change the way that some things happen. Maybe we could keep the bad things in life from happening. I think about this everyday. Ever since I lost my mother, I have always asked myself, why did I have to come to Fayetteville a week early? Why could have I not just stayed home an extra week like most other people? But you know what, as much as I want this to change, I can't do anything about it. Things happen, you lose you best friends, but we all become stronger people because of it. There ain't a day that I don't think about my mother. She was my best friend, and I lost so much when she died. I was hurt so bad the God would take her away from me. She was the one person that I could turn to and the one person that was ALWAYS there to help me out and support my ambitions. I have realized that so many things are different now. I can't go one day without wishing there was something I could have done differently. But I know that even though my mom was killed by the very thing that I have done all of my life, she died doing something that she loved. She was the true definition of a cowgirl. She was always right in there with the rest of us guys sorting and working cattle and riding the horses. It was something that she loved with a passion and I know that she died doing the thing that she loved. That helps give me a little comfort in times of grief, but I still can't get the picture of what happened in that barn that day out of my mind. Everytime I am sortin cattle, I feel the pain. She would be in the alley catchin cattle everytime we were sortin. She would give shots quicker than most of the guys. Hold that bulls tail for the castratin longer than most of the guys that work for us. Will I ever be able to work with cattle the way I used to? Will I ever be able to deal with the pain to the extent where I can move on with my life? Heres to my mom. The cowgirl. That grew up as a city girl, but learned the art of being a true cowgirl with a passion. The person that taught me so much about life and responsibilities. Everytime I hear Garth Brooks Song - That girl is a cowboy, I know that is all about what my mom was. A cowgirl. My Hero. Because she did what she loved and worked so hard for the ones she loved and did so much more than we will ever know. Here's to you mom.
I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything every has done to help me out through this.
Its a long trip alone. A short piece of time. I think about this song and I really don't know what to do. Things happen. Things change. People come and go. Life and Death. Is it really possible to live your life to the fullest? I mean seriously can we really do everything that we think that we need to do? If we were able to do that we could change the way that some things happen. Maybe we could keep the bad things in life from happening. I think about this everyday. Ever since I lost my mother, I have always asked myself, why did I have to come to Fayetteville a week early? Why could have I not just stayed home an extra week like most other people? But you know what, as much as I want this to change, I can't do anything about it. Things happen, you lose you best friends, but we all become stronger people because of it. There ain't a day that I don't think about my mother. She was my best friend, and I lost so much when she died. I was hurt so bad the God would take her away from me. She was the one person that I could turn to and the one person that was ALWAYS there to help me out and support my ambitions. I have realized that so many things are different now. I can't go one day without wishing there was something I could have done differently. But I know that even though my mom was killed by the very thing that I have done all of my life, she died doing something that she loved. She was the true definition of a cowgirl. She was always right in there with the rest of us guys sorting and working cattle and riding the horses. It was something that she loved with a passion and I know that she died doing the thing that she loved. That helps give me a little comfort in times of grief, but I still can't get the picture of what happened in that barn that day out of my mind. Everytime I am sortin cattle, I feel the pain. She would be in the alley catchin cattle everytime we were sortin. She would give shots quicker than most of the guys. Hold that bulls tail for the castratin longer than most of the guys that work for us. Will I ever be able to work with cattle the way I used to? Will I ever be able to deal with the pain to the extent where I can move on with my life? Heres to my mom. The cowgirl. That grew up as a city girl, but learned the art of being a true cowgirl with a passion. The person that taught me so much about life and responsibilities. Everytime I hear Garth Brooks Song - That girl is a cowboy, I know that is all about what my mom was. A cowgirl. My Hero. Because she did what she loved and worked so hard for the ones she loved and did so much more than we will ever know. Here's to you mom.
I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything every has done to help me out through this.
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