Venting Session

From June 6, 2007:

Well with everything that has happened recently I can honestly say that my life over the past year has really really sucked.....

Well in July I wrecked my truck and ever since then my knee has been messed up and that cost a good $9k to fix.

Then I loose my mom and best friend in August. Who in the world would have thought that it ever would have happened that way. I just had to go to college a few days early and what really sucks is that I hadnt called her all week and then on Friday I was thinking about calling her when I got the news. Thank God you were there Trella. I think that is the absolute worst situation anyone could ever go through. Not only was she my mom, she was my BEST friend. She was always at everything and always took me to every activity and helped me out when things weren't going so great. She was my greatest support and to loose her spent me in a downward spiral. I slacked off and did a few things I regret. Not that they were that bad at all, but I should have known better. I still think that I havent recovered from that moment when I found out and that whole weekend is still clear as day in my head and I still wake up in a fret at night about it all. And it all popping up in my head in the middle of the day is the worst cause no one knows what is going on and I dont want to tell them why I am feeling down cause I dont want them playing the pity game on me. I can make it. I think that is the hardest part right now about dealing with it all. I really dont want to tell people why I am feeling down during the day when that is the reason cause I dont take help very easily.

Then I found out that my dad is dating someone this spring....NOT EVEN MONTHS LATER!!!! 2 things that really piss me off about this.... 1) Thanks for telling me dad 2) Thanks dad for letting me know...First thing I knew of it I heard you were getting serious with her AND 3) I cant even believe you didnt ask what I thought about the fact of you dating. Not that I am the one to tell you if you can date or not but I thought I was part of the Family and I thought I was your eldest son.....GUESS I was wrong about that one.

Then again I hear FROM SOMEONE ELSE that my dad is selling the house I grew up in, 10 acres that I traveled on foot over and over again whilegrowing up, and moving off. What happened to all the talk the past few years about building a house right there. Instead you just up and decide to move off some where else and move my brothers where they have to change schools again.We all know it wasnt easy for them last time.

And what does my dad have to say about all of this when I finally build up the courage to tell him how I really feel about all this??? He says HES GETTING MARRIED!!! Yeah what happened to being part of the family. I dont even feel welcome in your house anymore. A Stranger. He says that well...we all are going to have to get used to some changes. And he says that nothing is really changing. Well lets see.... He no longer goes to the church I grew up in (he switched churches and doesnt even talk to any one from there anymore), he is making my brothers change schools again, he is selling the house and the land that he had always talked of keeping for me to have when he passed on, he is moving to pleasant plains and building a new house, and getting married. ALL of this without even asking what my thoughts were about this. Not that I would change his mind for him but I lost my mother too. Ya know I hate to say it but looking at all of this i cant help but add it up and say that he is pushing my mother away. he denyies it but he even put some of her pictures away. He expects me, and even asked me point blank, to change my thoughts and opions about all of this. How dare he. I am not to the point to move on past my mother and i doubt i will be anytime soon thanks to this. Ya know I would think that he would be a lil more considerate of his oldest son. I cant change the way i feel about this....It is who makes me myself.

Through all of this it is impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. THANK GOD I have time to get away and ride my horse thorugh the cattle for 3 hours everyday. That is my only way to get away from it all...BUT I need more right now. and THANK GOD I am moving back to Fayetteville in the Fall and staying there for 3 more years...well that is if dad doesnt keep cutting more and more money away from me, like he has been.

I dont know but I think I see some help coming on the way from someone...we'll just have to see how it goes....